The chestnut dresser towers above them.
A smile brightens the leader's face-
he deems the dresser their newfound friend,
and everyone always follows the leader.
Plain old dresser it is no longer,
but an almighty mountain.
To conquer this mountain is no easy feat,
yet, they're eager to become the rulers.
The Amazing Mountain Race commences-
first to climb to the top is the winner!
Mini hands and feet scurry to compete,
trying to appear greater than they are.
Only the fittest of the pack triumphs.
he stands tall and commands the rest:
Place silky clouds of cotton beneath me!
Then join me in my palace of wonder.
They flutter smoothly down the mountain,
landing gently in the velvet clouds.
Giggles echo across the fairy forest,
as they continue to dance off the edge.
All, but the youngest one of the tribe-
his hands tremor at the peak.
He waits too long to take his own leap- boom!
Shove from behind.
He misses the cloud by merely an inch,
hits the floor of the forest fast and hard.
Silence follows as the group crowds around.
Will baby Jake be okay?
He fails to respond to the magic dust;
yanked out of Neverland, they call for help.
The one that shoved him escapes into thin air,
while sirens blare in the distance.
Leader looks up to the dresser and shudders,
steering the children away.
The dresser that was once their friend
Towers above them.
Leap of Faith(original)
The chestnut dresser towers above them.
A smile brightens the leader's face-
he deems the dresser their newfound friend,
and everyone always follows the leader.
Plain old dresser it is no longer,
but an almighty mountain.
To conquer this mountain is no easy feat,
yet, they're eager to become the rulers.
The Amazing Mountain Race commences-
first to climb to the top is the winner!
Mini hands and feet scurry to compete,
trying to appear greater than they are.
Only the fittest of the pack triumphs.
he stands tall and commands the rest:
Place silky clouds of cotton beneath me!
Then join me in my palace of wonder.
They flutter smoothly down the mountain,
landing gently in the velvet clouds.
Giggles echo across the fairy forest,
as they continue to dance off the edge.
All, but the youngest one of the tribe-
his hands tremor at the peak.
He waits too long to take his own leap- boom!
Shove from behind.
He misses the cloud by merely an inch,
hits the floor of the forest fast and hard.
Silence follows as the group crowds around.
Will baby Jake be okay?
He fails to respond to the magic dust;
yanked out of Neverland, they call for help.
The one that shoved him escapes into thin air,
while sirens blare in the distance.
Leader looks up to the dresser and shudders,
steering the children away.
The dresser that was once their friend
Towers above them.
Leap of Faith(original)
The chestnut dresser towers above them.
A smile lights up the leader's face.
He deems the dresser as their new friend
And everyone follows the leader.
The dresser is no longer a plain old dresser,
But an almighty mountain.
To conquer the mountain is no easy feat
Yet, they become the rulers.
The Amazing Mountain Race commences.
First to climb to the top wins
Miniature hands and feet scurry and compete,
Trying to be greater than they are.
Only the fittest of the pack survives in the Race,
And commands the rest:
Place silky clouds of cotton beneath me!
Then join me in my palace.
They flutter smoothly down the mountain,
landing gently in the velvet clouds.
Their giggles echo across the fairy forest,
as they continue to dance off the edge.
All, but the youngest one of the tribe.
His hands tremor at the peak.
He waits too long to take his own leap.
She shoves him from behind.
He misses the clouds of cotton by just inch,
Hitting the floor of the forest hard.
Silence follows as the group crowds around.
Are you okay, they ask.
The youngest one fails to respond,
so the children call for help.
The one that shoved him escapes.
Sirens blare in the distance.
The dresser that was once their friend
Towers above them.
The leader shudders in its presence,
And leads the children away.
This poem has a lot of good things going for it: it tells a story in a short space. It has a sense of form--with measured lines and equal, balanced stanzas that add a stately sense of dignity to the progress of the poem.
ReplyDeleteI thought it would have a sweet ending and would lack tension, but, happily, I was wrong. The ending is traumatic instead and sharpens the poem and adds substance to it. It's a great start to the class.
I do have some suggestions. There are places where the rhythm seems a little off. I recommend you read this out loud to yourself a couple times to sense where the rhythm falters and consider revising.
I also think the ending isn't quite as strong as it could be. I'm talking about the last stanza, especially the very ending. I feel like it needs something more, something that connects the meaning better of the last two lines.
I already told two other students we would be discussing their poems in class, but I want to try to discuss this one too. If we have time, I will bring it up and put in on the screen. There are things I want to praise and suggestions I want to raise.
Hey Abby!
ReplyDeleteI'm loving the way you incorporated the "mountain race" into your poem to put us in the mindset of children. The first line illustrates this, "towers above them." It really gives the perspective of the small children. I also like your reference to the tribal mentality of the kids- "the youngest one of the tribe." You can sense the seriousness and playfulness of this poem all at once through these indirect references to the game the kids are playing.
Hi!! I agree with what Miller said in class I love how descriptive this one scene is! I am very into fiction and non-fiction novels and this poem gave a taste of that because of the awesome way by which you wrote it!. Your use of metaphors is so creative and I am so impressed with how you used them.
ReplyDeleteI like the line "the dresser that was once their friend" because it captures the innocence and the young minds of children. When they were playing, the dresser was part of their pack and an essential component to their fun. But, in one short moment it totally turns on them but they had no idea that the dresser could also cause such harm because as children they only saw it as a vehicle for fun when they began playing. One thing i would change is the use of the word lead in the last two lines-i don't really love the way it sounds having the word "leader" and then "leads", maybe you can substitute one of those with a different word that has the same implication?
ReplyDeleteI love how visual this poem is, as well as how you captured a whole story! I even felt myself gasp when i read "He misses the clouds of cotton by just inch,
ReplyDeleteHitting the floor of the forest hard." If i could suggest one thing, it would be to try to make it more poetic. Though very descriptive, I feel more of a short story vibe than a poetic nature towards the end. Otherwise, pretty great!
I really enjoyed the way your poem told a story and how easy it was to follow the narrative. Also I liked the stark difference between the soft and fun way the story started compared to the sudden ending with the "Sirens blare in the distance." Great job!
ReplyDeleteI liked how the poem flows and helps the story progress. As I was reading I could feel the suspense and then the frightened emotion at the end. I could see a picture in my head of what was happening in the story.
ReplyDeleteI loved the narrative the poem portrayed. It was great following a storyline. I really enjoyed the imagery of a group or a "tribe" as you said it.
ReplyDeleteNice job telling a story with a real plot and making it sound like poetry! The description if silence after the fall was particularly powerful. I like the way it's a playful and fun story about children playing, and then about a scary emergency.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your poem and how you told a story. I enjoyed how as I read, the intensity of my reading got greater. I felt that as the child fell, my reading was not as soft. The imagery and visualization was wonderful!
ReplyDeleteThis poem was absolutely a pleasure to read. You put me in the body and mind of a child as I could picture this scene right out of "Rugrats". You were able to convey so much feeling in so little words. I loved the drama that "Sirens blare in the distance." creates, and the larger than life image you give to small or insignificant things.
ReplyDelete