Fair shot if we glide in
slightly, slowly,
almost flawless figure skaters.
Spin too quickly
like a carnival cruise-
and the ride will stop.
Once ready to tackle
the concept of dinner for just two,
But we plunged in too fast.
Soon we're tennis playing,
smacking the ball to and fro;
she can't participate without weeping.
"Don't paint me as a villain,
let me buy you desire"-
But she's a non-believer.
Shredding her tears to pieces,
He searches and seeks for more
women to torture.
Her glass is empty now.
Taking it Slow(original)
Fair shot
Cut-up poem inspired by the following rappers:
Childish Gambino- Sweatpants: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/childishgambino/sweatpants.html
Lil Dicky- White Dude: http://genius.com/Lil-dicky-white-dude-lyrics
Eminem- We Made You: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/wemadeyou.html
Kanye West- No Church in the Wild: http://genius.com/Kanye-west-no-church-in-the-wild-lyrics
slightly, slowly,
almost flawless figure skaters.
Spin too quickly
like a carnival cruise-
and the ride will stop.
Once ready to tackle
the concept of dinner for just two,
But we plunged in too fast.
Soon we're tennis playing,
smacking the ball to and fro;
she can't participate without weeping.
"Don't paint me as a villain,
let me buy you desire"-
But she's a non-believer.
Shredding her tears to pieces,
He searches and seeks for more
women to torture.
Her glass is empty now.
Imprisonment
is now her predicament.
Lost all hope of a happy ending.
Waking up bitter,
broken shards of glass.
broken shards of glass.
Can they rewind?
To the mysterious faces they once were
among massive masses in the stands?
Their faces will remain forever ingrained
in each other's minds
with one burning memory.
Love is cursed by monogamy.
Taking it Slow(original)
Fair shot
if we glide in
slightly, slowly.
Spin too fast
like a carnival cruise-
and the ride will stop.
Once ready to tackle
the concept of dinner for just two,
But it was too soon.
Soon
Soon
We're tennis playing
smacking the ball to and fro;
she can't participate without weeping.
Trying again to make it come alive.
"Let me buy you desire"-
But she's a non-believer.
Shredding her tears to pieces,
He searches and seeks for more
women to torture.
Her glass is empty now.
Imprisonment
is now her predicament.
Lost all hope of a happy ending.
Waking up
bitter, broken.
Can they rewind?
To the mysterious faces they once were
among massive masses in the stands?
Their faces will remain forever ingrained
in each other's minds
with one burning memory.
Love is cursed by monogamy.
Cut-up poem inspired by the following rappers:
Childish Gambino- Sweatpants: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/childishgambino/sweatpants.html
Lil Dicky- White Dude: http://genius.com/Lil-dicky-white-dude-lyrics
Eminem- We Made You: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/wemadeyou.html
Kanye West- No Church in the Wild: http://genius.com/Kanye-west-no-church-in-the-wild-lyrics
Hi! This is such an interesting and original idea for a poem. I love how you transformed and synthesized the words of the rappers into one coherent poem. It is really interesting to see how something that people don't necessarily think of as poetic can be turned into exactly that! A lot of the language was very descriptive and great at producing images. I especially liked the line "shredding her tears to pieces."
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I found confusing was how quickly this poem escalated through the relationship, from the first date to a breakup.
I just noticed the title of your poem! Now the fast paced relationship makes a lot more sense!
DeleteThis is so cool! When I read the explanation at the end that it was based off of rap songs I was so amazed. I liked the comparisons like "we're playing tennis, smacking the ball to and fro" and even the word "smack." This word is great for showing and not telling. Also, the line "spin too fast, like a carnival cruise," it has great rhythm. The poet does a great job with making the poem visual! One critique, I don't completely understand the purpose of the short lines. Also, I don't think the one line of "soon" is necessary. Great job other words!
ReplyDeleteI had to read this poem twice to really capture the full brilliance of it, but this is really incredible! I liked the way you really showed and did not tell by portraying the relationship of the individuals in your poem through other activities. For example, "We're tennis playing/ smacking the ball to and fro;/ she can't participate without weeping." This is a really artful way of describing the ups and downs of a relationship and how the process of figuring out how the relationship will progress can be upsetting to one or more parties involved. I really liked your theme of using sports to portray these feelings, including this tennis example, as well as "masses in the stand" and "ready to tackle." It really united this poem really well.
ReplyDeleteThough I do like the title of the poem, maybe (if you can), you can use a sports reference in the title as well?
I had to read this poem twice to really capture the full brilliance of it, but this is really incredible! I liked the way you really showed and did not tell by portraying the relationship of the individuals in your poem through other activities. For example, "We're tennis playing/ smacking the ball to and fro;/ she can't participate without weeping." This is a really artful way of describing the ups and downs of a relationship and how the process of figuring out how the relationship will progress can be upsetting to one or more parties involved. I really liked your theme of using sports to portray these feelings, including this tennis example, as well as "masses in the stand" and "ready to tackle." It really united this poem really well.
ReplyDeleteThough I do like the title of the poem, maybe (if you can), you can use a sports reference in the title as well?
I really like the power in some of your stanzas. Especially with the word "soon". I like the story told in the poem and that is has dimension in that it tells a story while conveying a tone. I think it could be made a bit longer. While the story was captivating, I felt myself wanting more.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an interesting poem! I like how you use both your own words (in the unbolded text?) and found language (in the bold?) to create a new piece of work. It took me a couple readings, but I liked how you indirectly told the story of love that's too much, too fast and implodes on itself. The line about rewinding to before they knew each other is very powerful. I'm not sure what the line Soon accomplishes as it's own stanza. Maybe it should be attached to the next sentence?
ReplyDeleteI loved this poem!
ReplyDeleteI thought it was so unique and the use of taking lines from not just one but four songs and incorporating them into one poem with one theme was just amazing!
I loved the line "Imprisonment
is now her predicament. " because it not only fits in with the poem but it also sounds like it could be a lyric from one of the songs even though the chances are that its cut up from two songs. Maybe in the future add some more of this and maybe the add more repetition of words because I think that was also strong!
Overall great great job Abby!!
I enjoyed each stanza if this poem individually, but I'm not sure I understood the connection between stanzas. It seems this is the love story of a couple who take it slow in the beginning but end up breaking up in the end. I appreciated the idea to cut up song lyrics which come from different songs but come together to create a story. The bold was helpful in identifying that those words were lyrics but I wonder if some of the lyrics were borrowed from the original artists or were just words that happened to be in the songs...i would love to see this developed further!
ReplyDelete