Blessed with ninety-two dollars, not many reach such a sum
Spent the first
nine in shining armor against villains
Who lay in
wait on the dark playground.
Ten blown on a Marshall's tie
to appear less child-like.
But braces leave him
stuck in youth,
alone with
Clue Jr.
Next-
Bar Mitzvah.
Manhood gains one-hundred-fifty.
Electric guitar steals one-hundred gained
in
order to woo lovely high-school dames.
Tuxedo
for prom and one special girl's corsage
Takes the
cake with a whopping eighty-seven
Remaining thirty-six spent on senior pictures
and vodka
But even alcohol cannot make him forget the impending future
Two hundred forty-two dollars- did he spend the money
wisely?
The Hourglass(Original)
Blessed with
ninety-two dollars, not many reach such a sum
Spent the first
twelve on shining armor against villains
Who lay in wait on the dark
playground.
Six blown at the gentleman’s gym
In
time for college tuition.
Seven on solely textbooks
Four for pens
At office
Job.
Next
Wedding Wagon
Cost five greenies
Twins double that
expense.
Eight
on Little League practice.
Ten spent on expanding
their knowledge
Whopping twelve
left for severe back injury.
Eleven buys him golf and swanky country club,
Remaining seven cannot
pay for dying eyes- or heart.
A
whole ninety-two dollars-did he spend the money wisely?
I really like the way you make an hourglass with your words, so to express your message in additional ways. I was confused about the mixture between modern and archaic references. I wasn't sure if the archaic stuff was in reference to having ninety-two dollars and this was meant to be a time when 92 dollars went a long way, in addition to it's metaphoric value. I liked the metaphor about money, and how it shows that we're given a finite amount of life and are we going to spend it wisely, however, the metaphor didn't completely work on a literal level, so it lost some credibility for me, because once a person has a job, presumably they'd then be making more money, and no longer rely on the money they started with. It's also hard to imagine starting with a lump sum big enough to use throughout one's entire life, never depleting it completely till the end, unless the sum is astronomical, which, it's hard to picture 92 dollars being, no matter what era, you'd probably have to go back to... the tenth century? Way before American dollars were established, anyways... Great concept, it just needs a little fine tuning to straighten the metaphor/literal meaning out a big. Maybe condense the time frame? Maybe talk about how you can make or lose it through your lifetime, but un the end it does;t matter and even the whole some cannot pay for dying eyes or heard?
ReplyDeleteKudos for being the first real shape poem on the class. I think using money as a metaphor for years of life really worked well in this piece. I think for me it was a bit distracting that the numbers in the poem didn't really have a sequence. I know it would be hard to do given the shape of the poem but perhaps a bit more description for each line could help make the poem more visual. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love this poem! I love that just the shape of the poem tells a story and it especially adds to your poem. I am just confused about some things. Are these two separate poems? I also wasn't sure if the poem was talking in modern times or past times. I really love the concept of this poem-just wish I understood it better! Overall, really great job!
ReplyDeleteI am so fascinated by this shape poem! Regardless of the content, the very shape of the poem gives a message about time and it's passing. The way you talk about money in an hourglasses shaped poem is such an excellent way of portraying "spending time", its so beyond clever! I love how you have two different times of life on each side of the glass, but they are united by the fact that it was time/money not wisely spent, but it went according to the stage of life that he was in. It would be cool if this poem could continue, building one hour glass off of another (like the bottom of one becomes the top of the next) and you could continue through more stages of life. Really great job!
ReplyDeletei love this poem so much! i think it really is something so many people can relate to because of the descriptive images and symbolism of bar/bat mitzvah season. the only comment i would make would be to change the structure to more of a hourglass, which you already did. therefore, all i have to say is awesome job!!
ReplyDelete