The grand tent.
Our dignified abode.
Stands amongst its brothers,
The withered trees.
Blends into the mossy foliage,
No one knows it exists.
Except for us,
it's home.
Chalky combat boots lie at the entrance
Worn-out from another dusty day.
The stench of sweat
Drifts through humid air.
Footsteps thunder in unison
The constant anthem.
A place unknown but here-
we are stuck to grow.
Sprawled out on the jade green futons,
visualizing letters that never get written.
Outsiders never pay us a visit,
neither does sleep.
we are stuck to grow.
Laughter rumbles as we eat,
Enveloped by the swelter.
Sprawled out on the jade green futons,
visualizing letters that never get written.
Outsiders never pay us a visit,
neither does sleep.
Different roots,
But here we are the same.
Like branches of a withered tree,
We are brothers.
Firmly planted to the ground,
immersed in blood and dirt.
Firmly planted to the ground,
immersed in blood and dirt.
Will rip free from the soil
And bring us Home.
Abigail--what a beautiful sounding poem. The poem reads so simply yet has such a deep message/image. I loved your use of specific details/nouns/verbs such as "abode," "withered," "blends," "mossy foliage," "chalky combat boots (great alliteration)," "stench" and "anthem." I thought the repetition of home was done well and each instance had new information building up and describing what it means. I think it's interesting that the tent is home and stands in the woods like brothers. I wonder if this poem is connected to the last one/your observer article--you write about nature well. I think there was a great balance here between showing and telling--we had a break in showing for a few couplets to hear the narrator's take on the image.
ReplyDeleteWow - this poem gave me the chills. You painted a picture that really touched many senses vividly ("stench of sweat", "footsteps thunder," among others). Your repetition of "home" really succeeded in hitting an emotional string.One nuance that I picked up on my second time reading it which I really enjoyed a lot is the tension between the tent being "home" throughout the whole poem, and the longing to go "home," somewhere else, at the very end of the poem. Very subtle and very powerful.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the fact that the voice is collective, the subject is "we" gives it a communal feel, and evokes a sense of friendship, brotherhood, and camaraderie. Your use of sound devices, especially alliteration, was really great. I especially liked "dusty day" and "some may be surprised." It added a playful, musical aspect to an otherwise seriously-toned poem. Really awesome job!
Hi Abby! You have great descriptions in this poem! You conveyed a sense of brotherhood in a lonely military camp, where the soldiers both feel it is their temporary home and want to return to their permanent homes. One specific line really conveyed some of these feelings very creatively: "Chalky combat boots lie at the entrance." When I read this, I thought of the boots I might throw off my feet when I walk into my own home. Your use of the "withered trees" and their connection to "standing as brothers" seems purposely ambiguous, as if you were saying that the tent is really alone with no neighbors besides the worn out trees; you might have also been suggesting that these trees represent the worn out soldiers themselves, who are brothers for each other.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I did not fully understand is the tent flying away at the end of the poem. Maybe I am just missing something important here. Otherwise, I love your writing!!
There are a lot of insightful thoughts in this poem that I appreciate. I like the idea of unity and brotherhood that the tent brings among the soldiers- nice symbolism. There is definitely a lot of sensory imagery in this poem used well. I think the rhythm in this poem could be improved in that some of the sentences are stronger than others. Because the stanzas are small and short-hand, I think the words have to be even more powerful. The imagery with the sounds is very strong and pushes the thoughts forward but the simile with the trees as brothers leave me a little lost. Why is it that the withered trees are brothers? Because they are next to each other? This simile potential to become even stronger. Consider the meanings behind each stanza.
ReplyDeleteGreat so far
Hey there! I really enjoyed this poem. I think that it is great that you used an image and created a more specific story behind it. Using the words "brothers" and the phrase "footsteps thunder in unison" really helps the reader understand who you are talking about. I like the way you spaced your lines; it gave the poem a nice rhythm when it is being read. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the contrast of this being home with the many details that seem to suggest otherwise. I also like the use of 2 line verses, it makes the poem move quickly, while also making each detail really stand out, instead of getting lost in long verses.
ReplyDeleteIn the line "Except for us/because it's home", I think you could do something cool here by getting rid of the word "because" and letting the line break do all the work. Instead it might read:
Noone knows it exists.
Except for us,
it's home"
This way, it could mean both that the speaker knows it exists because to them it's home, and also drive home the message that to them, this unhome-like place is home.
In the line "Some may be surprised/But this is home", I think that the phrase "Some may be surprised is redundant, because you've already done a good job showing that this is a surprising place to call home. I would convey surprise more pointedly by omitting the first line and turning this into a one line verse that simply says "This is home". That fact alone is surprising and presenting it in such a way is a good way ot convey that surprise to the reader.
Before I even read the poem I judged it's structure which looked odd. But you used the structure very creatively and it served to keep a natural flow amongst many different ideas. The title immediately sets the patriotic tone of the poem, and I like that the title was not used in the poem. The metaphor is practical and relatable and was carried easily throughout the poem.
ReplyDeleteThe comparison of the marching boots to an anthem was brilliant. It works on a literal and figurative level, and allows the reader to hear the setting as well. I also enjoyed the double reference to withered trees. I think it created a sense of continuity.
One suggestion-"I think I understood that Will float up in the sky one day" refers to when the soldiers will go home when there is no more war, but maybe there is a more sophisticated and clear way to say that...
I like what a lot of the others are saying about this poem in the comments above. One thing I noticed is that the stanzas with the shortest lines are the weakest ones--the ones that need the most work, like stanzas one and four, which strike me as a little flat (prose with line breaks).
ReplyDeleteAlso, stanzas four and eight are redundant with their emphasis on home. I don't think the repetition here is working, and I would like to see one or the other rewritten.
Maybe you could imagine more what is inside the tent--I mean specific details.
Also, toward the end, you start to establish the metaphor of the tree as an expression of the unity of the soldiers. I thought maybe this might be better: "Like branches of a withered tree," instead of like the withered trees.
The tree metaphor could work for you, but you quickly drop it and switch to the fanciful image of the tent flying into the sky. I was wondering if you shouldn't have stuck with the tree metaphor. You mix the metaphors in an odd way, since the tree metaphor is so prominent, then you switch. Or maybe you can find a way to merge them. Not sure, but I think the ending needs work.
There is a lot of potential here.
Hi! I like how the two line structure of the poem invokes a sort of military march theme that fits in well with the overall poem.
ReplyDeleteThis is further cemented with words like "anthem" and "rumbles." I like how you used the word "swelter" in an unusual way- it caught my attention and added interest to the stanza.
I was slightly confused about the purpose of the tent- is it where the soldiers sleep or where they eat? Both activities are mentioned.
Hi! I like how the two line structure of the poem invokes a sort of military march theme that fits in well with the overall poem.
ReplyDeleteThis is further cemented with words like "anthem" and "rumbles." I like how you used the word "swelter" in an unusual way- it caught my attention and added interest to the stanza.
I was slightly confused about the purpose of the tent- is it where the soldiers sleep or where they eat? Both activities are mentioned.