I was always one of the ghosts lurking, unseen.
Short, weak, small fry, not worth a second glance,
easily concealed in cracks and corners of the school.
My brother wasn't born a ghost,
rather, he was one of the gods.
Built bulky and better looking than I,
born in the spotlight, meant to be worshipped.
Constant glances and stares flung in my direction,
cannot recall a day without whispers.
As I stroll down the halls, the guys whoop and high-five,
sly smiles from girls whose names are minor.
But these are people who don't see me,
blinded by my height and football jersey.
Long for the silence my brother enjoys,
forever authentic to chemistry and comic books.
The gods skip through the ghosts obliviously,
mere peasants in their eyes, if they even notice us at all.
As a lowly ghost, I was never on her radar.
I observe as her silky hair glistens behind her,
as she throws her heart-shaped face back in a laugh.
Those emerald eyes capture every poor sap in her gaze,
her tan, taut legs bounce across the glossy floors.
Ladies and gentlemen- my brother's girlfriend.
She rants about the latest faux drama,
her loud mouth increases intensely as she speaks.
My focus is on what lies behind her-
distracted by his eyes crinkling as he grins at a joke.
The leather-bound journal hugged to his plaid chest
makes something inside my abdomen stir.
Only exchanged a few words, but I'm captivated by
my brother's best friend.
If only she could she me as more than a creeping shadow,
my fantasy could become tangible.
As a ghost, I'll always be a
Loser.
Wonder if he sees me in the same light,
but with the false image I uphold,
I'll always remain a
Loser.
Transparent against the locker room walls,
I was always one of the ghosts lurking, unseen.
Short, weak, small fry, not worth a second glance,
easily concealed in cracks and corners of the school.
My brother wasn't born a ghost,
rather, he was one of the gods.
Built bulky and better looking than I,
born in the spotlight, meant to be worshipped.
***
Constant glances and stares flung in my direction,
cannot recall a day that has passed without whispers.
The guys whoop and high-five me as I stroll the halls,
sly smiles from girls whose names are minor.
But these are people who don't truly see me,
blinded by my height and football jersey.
Long for the silence my brother enjoys,
forever authentic to chemistry and comic books.
***
The gods skip through the ghosts obliviously,
mere peasants in their eyes, if they even notice us at all.
As a lowly ghost, I was never on her radar.
I observe as her silky hair glistens behind her,
as she throws her heart-shaped face back in a laugh.
Those emerald eyes capture every poor sap in her gaze,
her tan, taut legs bounce across the glossy floors.
Ladies and gentlemen, my brother's girlfriend.
***
She rants about the latest faux drama,
her loud mouth increasing intensely as she speaks.
Yet, my focus is on what lies behind her-
distracted by his eyes crinkling as he grins at a joke.
The leather-bound journal hugged to his plaid chest
makes something inside my abdomen stir.
Only exchanged a few words, but I'm captivated
by my brother's best friend.
***
If only she could she me as more than a creeping shadow,
my fantasy could become tangible.
But I'm just a
Loser.
***
Wonder if he sees me in the same light,
but with the false image I uphold,
I'll always remain a
Loser.
Powerful poem with a meaningful message and great performance!
ReplyDeleteI like how the language is casual and prose-y - my favorite style, and yet you use metaphors like "ghost" and "gods" really successfully. Your voice is clear and you're a good speaker, and the hat was a good idea for showing the change in voice.
The only suggestion I can think of: I do like how it sounds like regular people talking as they normally would, but after all it is a poem - and a really good one - so it might help if you take away some extra filler words you used a lot, especially "but" and "yet." I think this would make it sound less wordy and more poetic, and enhance this already strong poem. Great job!
I really loved this poem. You get to really see how to brothers view themselves and how they view each other. I thought it was really creative how the speaker changes within the poem. it might help the poem flow more if some of the filler words were taken away. Overall I think that this was a powerful view of twins and I liked how you did the hat change! Creative!
ReplyDeleteWow, you did a great job of contrasting between the two extremely different experience of these two twins. I think the format of the first four stanzas being similar while the second two are also the same helps create a flow and purpose to your poem. I can really picture the different scenes that you set up for to imagine in our heads, for example as he walks through the hallway.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure making such a break between each stanza with the *** is necessary or if it even benefits the poem-just a thought.
Good job!
The author does a great job with this persona poem. She uses great details to intimate the feeling from the narrator’s perspective. I loved the “small fry,” “chemistry and comic books,” and “plaid chest.” The repetition of the loser in the last two stanzas was effective. Perhaps the author could bring back the ghost established in the earlier stanzas back at the end.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is fantastic. You did a great job with distinguishing the two different characters in the poem and while you were performing. I think you did a great job of showing and not telling. The reader feels as if they are in that school feeling like those characters at the different times in the poem. I think writing a poem from two different perspectives is very difficult but you did a great job. I think that if you take out some of the unnecessary words it could make this poem even better! For example, change the phrase "The guys whoop and high five me as I stroll down the halls" to "Strolling down the halls the guys whoop and high five me." And "cannot recall a day that has passed without whispers" to "cannot recall a day without whispers." Overall, GREAT job with this poem and performance!
ReplyDelete